Divorced people suffer extensive trauma because the emotional upheaval is a serious ordeal and needs careful recovery. The divorce itself leaves you off balance and disconnected and during this time you’re not really ready for the real world because you’re in shock and denial. That’s a dangerous time to look for a better connection.
The Forever Fantasy
During this time you’ll probably spend months with the ‘what-iffs’ and your dreams will be either nightmares of what was and what is, or fantasies that begin with’ once upon a time’ and end with ‘happily ever after’.
At that moment it’s a good idea to read something like this and be advised that there is no ‘forever’; so stop looking for someone new who will dedicate themselves to you forever. Abandon your fantasy and tell yourself that if there is a next time: you’ll be more careful with your choice of partner; you’ll try to take it slower; be more communicative and generally try harder to make it work.
Don’t Look for Ms or Mr Right
Even if you found a possible right partner today, you’re not ready for them yet. However, holding out for that perfect person who will fill all your needs could make you even unhappier than you are presently. All that time you spend waiting for the ‘right one’ to come along will make you lonely and bitter. Meeting people who could be interesting and good company, yet turning them down because they don’t fit into your perfect mould could make you permanently disappointed and miserable. Anyway, how do you know that when you meet whomever you think is the perfect person, they won’t turn out to be wrong once you get to know them?
Practice Makes Perfect
The truth is that you have to practice to get it right. If you spend a long time looking for ‘the one’, if and when you finally meet them, you could be so out of practice you might not be able to maintain the relationship.
Drop The Dream
Because that’s what it is – just a dream. Abandon the Ms or Mr Right concept. Spend time and just hang out with your friends and develop new friendships. Whatever you do, don’t take up with just one person who will be a ‘substitute’ for the dream lover, because eventually you will end up disliking then and holding a grudge against them simply because they don’t fit into your idea of perfection.
You need a good network of single friends around you for now and in the immediate future. Your married friends will try to ‘fix you up’ with someone new because they feel uncomfortable with a single person in their group. So develop a network of single friends and acquaintances that’ve had similar experiences and setbacks and now have similar needs, You can communicate with these people and they in turn will accept you just as you are.
This singles ‘family’ will cause you to be in contact with other people who will come in and out of your life on a light and casual basis. In time, you’ll discover that you are no longer a ‘needy’ person and that you have more people in your life than ever before.
This ‘singles’ era of your life is a good recovery time because it will eradicate your loneliness and depression and replace them instead with warmth; understanding; acceptance; and the love that friends have for each other. It will have also made you aware that you are one of many who all share your grief and happiness.
Your childhood books; your parents; the magazines you look at; the movies you watch; the grown up books you read; have brainwashed you into believing that there is just one perfect person for you out there with whom you can live happily ever after. It seems like such a good dream that you are swept away on a tide of happy fantasy and refuse to consider anything the real world has to offer. You buy in to the belief that you need to be rescued and your rescuer will be that one forever person. Unfortunately what you need to do is wake up from that dream and realise that if your happiness depends on another person or persons then you already have a problem because real happiness comes from within. You goal right now should not be finding someone – instead you should be working on being happy and finding happiness within.
Don’t Use People
Stop blaming people, and stop using them to make yourself feel better. None of your unhappiness is their fault and they have their own issues. Besides, playing ‘could’ve, would’ve, should’ve’ will get you nothing but sadness and guilt. Try loving the people around you, understanding them and accepting them as they are, and you’ll start to feel better about your situation.
If it seems like your life has shattered into tiny pieces, then regard it as a bonus because now you can put the pieces together in a different way to form a happier picture. Better yet, your network of friends will help you do it. Once you are able to stand up straight again and look the world in the eye you’ll be surprised at how quickly you’ll attract all the right people into your life.