Staying Together for the Sake of the Children?

Staying Together for the Sake of the Children

Staying Together for the Sake of the Children?

Parents who say theyre staying together for the sake of the children usually arent!

The odds of this being a successful arrangement are way too high - it almost never happens!

If the parents can remain friends and work together; if they can respect each other and never mention the other one in a derogatory way; if they can keep their private lives private and never discuss such details with their children: maybe they have a fighting chance. More often than not however, they continue fighting and never have a chance.

The major risks to children in these situations are:

  • The children grow up resenting or fearing marriage as their parents arent positive role models and send the wrong message about sustaining long term relationships and marriage

  • The children grow up emotionally remote or detached and dont mix well with their peers, they avoid long lasting friendships which often cause them to feel trapped, insecure or confused

  • The children learn really bad parenting skills which later they apply to their own children as these are the only examples they had during their miserable childhood

  • The children are neglected because their parents are too concerned with their own problems, leaving the children feeling uncared for and unloved; they often develop trust issues

  • The children grow up feeling worried and guilty because their childhood atmosphere is negative; they feel they are to blame for their parents unhappiness, resentment and suffering

  • The children are caused to feel a debt of gratitude to their parents who constantly remind them how much they sacrificed to stay together for the sake of the children

  • The children dont experience much peace in their childhood years or even later during adulthood; sometimes peace only arrives much later in their lives

  • The children feel out of control and insecure, so they fight back by playing one parent off against the other as a means of getting their own way and gaining a little control

This doesnt necessarily means the parents are bad people some of their actions are, but in general it simply means they were mis-matched and they didnt know how (or didnt want) to make it work.

No child should be part of a broken home syndrome. If the marriage is broken and cant be fixed then let go of it while there are still good memories and before the children become damaged.

When its not a good fit and the two halves cant or wont - bring it together; then rather divorce and move on with your lives. Divorce, is a much healthier alternative to harming the children. None of this should be about the parents and their emotions. Its all about the children and providing for them a happy, stable and structured environment.

Couples whove lost their trust in each other, will battle to rebuild it and rarely be successful. Usually when the trust has gone, so has everything else. If you then continue to stay together youre setting double standards for the children, who will probably have trust issues in their adult years.

If youve considered divorce but decided instead to make the sacrifice for the sake of the kids, then youre already doomed. Opting to stay in a dismal marriage as a sacrifice for the children, when divorce is so readily available, is toxic for your children. Its a selfish, senseless act which inflicts pain and suffering on all those around you. So its not about the breaking up of the parents but the way they do it. Divorce each other but not the children; its not their fault that you cant make it work.

During and after divorce, if possible keep the children in the same house, at the same school, with the same friends and doing more or less the same things as before. Its important to retain as many constants as possible in your childrens lives. Make sure their days, weeks, months and years are filled with well-maintained structure which is good for them and provides a feeling of security and reassurance. It sets a more positive atmosphere and a firmer foundation for development; and the ability to be well adjusted and ready for the future.

There are so many different and wonderful ways the parents can still have a hand in shaping the futures of their children and providing for them a Trust Fund is just one good example.

Today, smart parents focus beyond divorce and towards helping their children to grow up and become well-adjusted adults who will enjoy better, happier lives.