Every human being is special and the only one of a kind. We should be respected and loved; appreciated and cherished; cared for and thought about; accepted and valued. We all have the right to be happy; to have fun, to smile and laugh, to know great pleasure, and feel contentment.
Why then do most of us choose to be miserable? We frown, worry, become depressed, and fill our lives with responsibilities, stress, sadness and despair. We have an alarming tendency to opt for the gloomy option of punishing ourselves and believing we don’t deserve to be joyful. We would rather bear a burden than feel the pure pleasure and lightness of happiness.
When a marriage ends there is nothing to do but accept it and move on. We do this with our acquaintances, friends, jobs, businesses and homes; we just can’t seem to do it with our marital relationships.
In the busy lives we live, often relationships are quickly outgrown. Why? Maybe because we have more choices; we live longer; and we get married for different reasons to the ones known to our forefathers.
In the times of our Grand and Great Grandparents, they really did choose a life partner. The husband went to work and supported his wife and children by providing for them. He put food on the table, clothes and shoes on their bodies and sometimes a little money was saved for the future. The wife kept the home going, brought up the children and supported her husband in all that he did. They became interdependent upon each other. It didn’t matter if they stopped loving each other; they hopefully continued to be friends, respect each other and fulfil their roles as they had promised: although not always in the manner of their promises.
Divorce was unthinkable. It was regarded as shameful and the relinquishing of one’s responsibilities. Perceived as an admission of failure, the parties would rather lead secret separate lives than publicly ‘give in’.
Now we don’t choose a life partner so much as a love partner. Our expectations of each other have changed. We live a great many years longer; and in this high tech age, women can support themselves and their children; and men don’t need a homemaker – they can cook and wash and iron their own clothes.
There are many couples who fight a lot; or grow apart through pursuing different interests – they usually have too busy a lifestyle to communicate. One of the parties may develop and mature more quickly, whilst the other party never changes at all and thus becomes outgrown. Whatever the cause, at the end of the day, it simply wasn’t a fit.
When the love goes out of a relationship, and familiarity and disrespect arrive; we move on. Many people, in the course of their lifetime, could have an average of three or four marriages and think nothing of it. There is no shame, scandal, sin or admission of failure. It simply didn’t last. Taking into consideration that there is no real interdependence, the old standards have gone and we have the liberty to do as we choose. It’s the choice that matters. We need to realise that we do have a choice and need no longer to feel like a prisoner in a boring or abusive marriage that makes us unhappy.
Therefore, couples who stay in a loveless, likeless marriage are denying themselves the chance to be happy. If you no longer love or like each other – why stay together?
Couples often say they are staying together for the sake of the children. Poor children! They are the most sensitive and vulnerable of all the parties involved. They often grow up painfully aware that they are the cause of their parents’ ‘trapped’ marriage. That’s a lot of stifling responsibility for children. It will suffocate and depress them to the point where it will alter their lives forever. They will bear the burden of guilt and shame; feeling convinced it’s their fault that their parents are miserable.
Some try to keep the marriage going out of fear. They are afraid of being lonely; frightened of starting a new relationship; scared of the unknown and having to discover alone what could be in the future. Some are terrified of not being able to face the future alone: whilst others are sure they will fail. Many are alarmed at the possibility of having to endure their own company. Still more are horrified at the possibility of rejection.
So they stay together in a loveless – even abusive – marriage for security. It may sound strange or even masochistic but they often endure a cruel and miserable existence for the misplaced conviction that remaining in that relationship will protect them from predatorial members of the opposite sex. It will also prevent them from having to explain to family and friends; this way, they are safe from being judged.
Finally, the thing that keeps every human being alive and moving forward in any circumstance is hope. The hope that it will get better; that things will improve; that all the bad will fall away and they’ll wake up in the morning to a better and much improved marriage.
People should rather think of wakening to a new improved life. Keeping up with the times is also allowing yourself to have that divorce and move forward into a safer, happier life. We, as humans, try to look after our physical health and forget all about the vital vitamins – love and happiness. To be loved and be happy is the privilege of every human being. We should reach out for that and make it happen for ourselves. We should feel worthy of joy and delight; of pleasure and bliss. If there were more of the happy moments in our lives the medical specialists tell us we would live longer and be healthier; the legal specialists tell us our situations would be more content; the business specialists tell us we would work smarter and be more productive.... Who are we to go against such good advice?
If your marriage is over and divorce is inevitable then deal with it and move on. Prepare yourself for pleasure because you have every right to enjoy yourself and be happy.