2 Fear in the Middle Years of Marriage

2 Fear in the Middle Years of Marriage

Over the Years
Many couples have slowly grown apart during their marriages and have fallen into a habit of being mostly separate. They will appear together for family, work related, important social, or other events of a nature that require the presence of couples, but the rest of the time they are apart.

They don’t like the arrangement but haven’t discussed it and are now both fearful of each other’s reaction if they mention it. They are frightened of what their Spouse will do if they throw it out there for discussion. They have both thought of visiting a Divorce Attorney. At least one of them has struggled long and hard with the idea of breaking up, or at least seeking legal advice. They have both rejected the idea. The ‘elephant in the room’ remains.

They shop separately and alone. They each collect the kids on different occasions for different reasons – maybe the father collects the sons and takes them to sports; the mother collects the daughters and takes them to dance classes. Maybe they don’t have children and have silently and separately borne their sad empty childless lives in bitterness with nothing binding them to each other but the fear of being alone and lonely. What could be lonelier than that?

The wife – even if working, spends most of her downtime at home and has her woman friends round to visit her if she requires company. The husband goes out to visit his men friends; they go drinking or play tennis or squash but do not visit at each others’ houses. The separateness is a continued theme.

A spontaneous ‘night out together’ for the two Spouses requires careful planning. It usually shouts loudly of one of them needing something from the other one. They have tried this several times over the years but it is too much of a risk and results in either a fight for power or a deafening silence that is too painful to repeat. They use the children as an excuse and continue disjointedly. If Specialist Divorce and Family Law Attorneys were to be consulted at this stage, there would still be hope of containing the damage and salvaging the children’s futures.

Their friends are divided. There are those who are glad because they are in the same situation and can identify and advise. The other group are those who have not experienced this and disapprove. This latter group give constant advice to consult with Divorce Attorneys before things get worse.

All the warning signs each Spouse saw in the other at the beginning of the marriage have now blossomed into angry actions or impassive inactions. The couple tolerate each other’s spite and cruelty and have fallen into a habit of numbed acceptance of this bleak and harmful lifestyle. She is frightened of his range and the physical harm he does to her. He is frightened of her spite and the emotional harm she does to him. The children are frightened of both of them. The whole family has become dysfunctional and seems almost held together in the thrall of fear. They are all miserable and suffer from anxiety and depression. There is a despair and hopelessness about them.

Soon the growing children will seek solace through drugs, promiscuity, dropping out of school, other antisocial and delinquent behaviour. The parents will each blame the other one and turn to porn sites, strip clubs, affairs, bi-sexuality, drinking, drugs, gambling and other deviant activities. It’s been over for years and the cancer, now in its final stages, has spread too far to stop. The death of a marriage and dissolution of a family is imminent.

When things are allowed to sink to this extreme level, your only hope is to consult with a Specialist Divorce and Family Law Attorney.