1 Fear in the Beginning of Marriage

1 Fear in the Beginning of Marriage

Feeling Fear

What Is Fear?
It is the anticipation of danger which is almost completely an automatic reaction and not a conscious thought. Anything that we perceive as a threat causes us fear in varying degrees. The important part to remember is, our perception causes the reaction of fear – and each one of us is different.

What Does Fear Do To Us?
It reduces us to a state of melt down; our throats constrict; our hearts beat out of our chests; and our pulses race. The hairs on our bodies stand on end; nausea and dizziness envelope us; and our hands go clammy. All our senses are heightened; our adrenalin levels soar and we are full of energy yet paralysed, whilst poised in that moment of fight or flight.

What Are We Frightened Of?
Of all the many things that can frighten us, it probably comes down to being unable to control the situation: of being powerless to act effectively. We could be frightened of the unknown. If we don’t know what will happen, then we might not be in a position to control it. We could be frightened of a recurring situation which already we know we cannot control. We could be frightened of failure: but we could equally be frightened of success.

Fear In Marriage

In The Beginning
There is an extremely high measure of fear in marriages and divorces. In a marriage each of the Spouses will at intervals receive various early warning signs of trouble: alas they usually choose to ignore these signals instead of seeking the help of Specialist Divorce and Family Law Attorneys who could advise them on these matters.

At the outset of the marriage, both Spouses want to please each other and will go to great lengths to accomplish this goal. Occasionally they find themselves agreeing to things to which they would normally not consent just to keep the peace and not have any awkward moments: i.e, the In Laws round for supper on a regular basis; rash and costly shopping sprees; separate nights out with the boys or the girls; expensive nights out together ‘on the town’; spending too much time at the office; being too tired to pay attention to the Spouse; being too tired to cook or manage the household; and etc. As the weeks and months pass, they eventually restrict displaying certain facets of their own personality in order to appear more pleasing and indulgent to their Spouse, and for fear of what might happen if they don’t retain a harmonious atmosphere within the marriage.

Keeping a constant watch and controlling what you say because you’re scared of offending or upsetting your Spouse brings its own stress. This stress takes its toll and because both parties may be doing this with each other, ultimately both parties start to pay the price in different ways. At this point neither Spouse would consider seeing a Specialist Divorce Attorney. In fact, if anyone suggested it, they would be thought quite mad. However, as soon as one Spouse realises that things are not right, this actually would be the time to seek professional advice.

They may feel anxiety regarding how to approach their Spouse about a situation that has occurred which caused anger in the other Spouse. Perhaps they are agitated about something their Spouse is or is not doing; however, they are apprehensive about approaching that Spouse to discuss the matter because they think it will cause disappointment. Maybe they simply have a feeling of uneasiness that something isn’t right but find it difficult to share their nervousness with their Spouse who is perceived as being unapproachable without causing a negative reaction. All of these are early warning signs that, in the course of a vast amount of marriages, occur at some phase of the union. Unfortunately, the more these signs are brushed away and ignored, the worse things become.

As the marriage deteriorates, the feelings of fear are more intense. We are increasingly hesitant to approach our Spouses to discuss things and in consequence there is a noticeable lack of communication. If there is an absolute need for direct confrontation that cannot be ignored, then we get a feeling of dread just prior to the conflict. This causes us more and more in the future to avoid these situations at all costs. The result is that we go into avoidance mode away from our Spouses and as we drift, we start to live separate lives.

We eventually resent our Spouse’s angry reaction to certain situations. Over time our dislike of our Spouse grows to a point where we are horrified by our Spouse’s interjection in family matters – which we perceive as unwanted interference. After that, our imaginations take over and our perceptions can run wild. We find our Spouses disgusting, revolting and we become ashamed of them. These are signs of real trouble and if you haven’t already done so, you really need to see a Specialist Divorce Attorney at this stage of serious decline in the marriage.