Everyone enters into a marriage by first going through a wedding. It seems to be the rite of passage – viewed differently by different people.
Mothers see it as a necessary expense – the daughter or son should have better than they had.
Fathers feel the pain of additional expense but only the best for their daughters.
Brides to be, spend months - even years –dreaming of all things bridal. They plan their special wedding in enormous detail, they throw bridal showers, dream only of the big day and often enter into marriage without any idea of the realities of married life.
Grooms to be, dread the actual day and take solace in the stag night, the hangover, and the thought that if they can just get through the obstacle called wedding, they’ll have a little women to take care of them the rest of their lives; to bear their children, supply sex on tap and feed them in a superior fashion to the local take outs and pubs.
Therefore, first there is the wedding and the dream; then comes the marriage and the disillusionment; eventually followed by the devastation and divorce.
Spouses don’t expect to work on their marriages; they don’t understand why they should, and they dismiss the thought as not being applicable to them. They shrug off that idea, fully believing erroneously that their marriage will make them blissfully happy. They waft dreamily through the early stages of marriage seemingly as if it’s a separate entity, and totally disconnected from their real ordinary lives of going to work, going out with their friends, visiting their families, and pursuing their hobbies. Under the false impression that they don’t have to re-structure things and make adjustments, they float along thinking marriage will automatically make everything better without any of their input and without them having to co-operate with each other as husband and wife.
When none of that happens seamlessly and the bliss part is absent, they both become disillusioned with their marriage and start looking outside themselves to define the problems in the marriage. If they could only stop and ask themselves what they could do to make things better it would be a revelation. Instead, they will look to blame the other Spouse and expect them to put things right.
Blaming others is the path of least resistance, it’s easier to blame the spouse or the marriage in general than to take responsibility for your own actions, or inactions within the marriage. Instead of considering what possible changes you may need to make that will help your marriage to improve and flourish, the inclination is more to point accusatory fingers and wait for the Spouse to make the adjustments
People are way too lazy for self-exploration or analysis; they can’t be bothered to learn skills that would benefit their marriage; they don’t see why they should put any extra effort into their marriage relationship. Marriages take a lot of hard work and compromise if they are going to survive and thrive. You don’t just live happily ever after automatically. Many people don’t have the inclination to work together to achieve their shared goals; they just aren’t sufficiently committed.
It may seem strange that people don’t know how to talk to each other, but it’s true. Worse still is the fact that people don’t know and don’t care about how to listen! Most people listen whilst thinking about their next answer! Communication should be shared, open and clear; not guarded or selfish. It’s not a skill that you need to go somewhere to learn. All you have to do is forget about yourself and what you want to say, and listen to what the other party is saying. Some of the most important conversations people have ever had were with their Spouse! Sadly they put very little effort into really listening to their Spouse or wisely expressing their own feelings.
It’s also quite common for many Spouses to actually avoid communication as they fear that conversation with their Spouse on certain subjects will bring them or their Spouse pain or anxiety. Yet, if you can't communicate, you can't find a solution to your marital problems. Open and honest communication is the easiest way to build trust in a marriage. It’s vital for married couples to adopt the regular habit of talking and listening to each other or there is no hope for the future.
There have been many instances of Spouses being unfaithful to each other and it wasn’t nearly so much for the sex as the need to be heard and to express themselves honestly with a caring member of the opposite sex.
People who enter into marriage with expectations they haven’t shared with each other, become disappointed very quickly.
There are sexual expectations held silently by each Spouse in the hope that their partner will telepathies their sexual preferences and needs so they don’t have to discuss them. When these unspoken needs are not satisfied the wanting party feels used and rejected.
There are companionship expectations which are held by the housewife who wants the business bound husband to spend more time with her – just being together: likewise for the husband with the career driven wife. When these needs aren’t met the needy party either feels rejected or makes other plans.
Many other unmet expectations run into areas of finance, lifestyle, entertainment, all manner of social and domestic aspects, and on to child rearing, schooling, etc.
It is part of human nature that when we are unhappy, we complain, blame, criticise, nag, threaten, bribe, coerce, demand, etc. and generally do all things that cause our Spouse to be miserable. This puts a division between the parties and unfortunately it becomes a way of life. When we don’t get what we want, we react badly instead of co-operating and negotiating for a mutually acceptable compromise. It’s a successful recipe for failure.
Marriages soon turn into divorces over finances; either the lack of finances or the lack of compatibility in the financial arena. It’s true that opposites can attract but when two people are at opposite ends in the financial department, divorce can follow – especially if one is a saver and one is a spender. One lives for today and the other one is taking care of tomorrow; one buys on credit, and the other one saves up for that they want until they can afford it.
When both partners clearly disagree over money and they want to avoid direct conflict by not discussing their spending, they eventually conceal it. Over time the stress of these secrets builds and the eventual clash is destructive and can lead to divorce.
Some Spouses marry for money while the other Spouse uses it as a control tool. Some Spouses use their spending as a punishment tool against the other Spouse for not investing more time with them.
Infidelities are usually a result of other problems that have developed in the marriage. If your sexual needs aren’t being met and you can’t communicate with each other about it, or if your finances are in a mess and you can’t communicate with each other about it, or if you find yourself developing priorities which are different to those of your Spouse and you can’t communicate with each other about it – then it’s human nature to turn to another human who will meet those needs by listening.
It’s ironical that the unfaithful Spouses seem to select fairly normal and homely people with whom to be unfaithful. Many of them will tell you it’s not so much about sex and ‘fatal attraction’ but much more about having the attention of another person, being listened to, and being made to feel important or special for a little while.
The wronged Spouse finds it so much easier to blame infidelity for the divorce as opposed to looking within themselves or communicating to find the more realistic, deeper reason. Lack of trust becomes an issue and divorce seems imminent.
If you are in a situation wherein your Spouse abuses or controls you in any manner – no matter the reason for this – you need to contact your Divorce Attorney or have a trusted friend do it for you. There is no excuse for abuse: make it stop and release yourself from dangerous circumstances.
This is dealt with under Laziness, Unmet Expectations and Lack of Communication
Couples that can’t compromise and meet in the middle are unable to adapt to changes and be together in harmony. This is dealt with under Laziness, Unmet Expectations and also Lack of Communication
Jealousy and insecurity can lead to fights. This could become abusive. Read Laziness and Lack of Communication for a better understanding.
Conflicting Religious beliefs and cultural values can affects the way you live your life and raise your children. If you haven’t dealt with this before you got married and after marriage have disagreed rather than communicated, then Laziness is the cause of this as things have been allowed to drift in the hope that they will correct themselves.
It’s the human condition to have an opinion that isn’t always in accord with your Spouse’s point of view. Every couple has disagreements; but if those opinions are respected, heard, discussed and co-operated over, middle ground can be found and harmony restored.
If that is not the case, then all the begging and pleading in the world won’t repair a broken marriage and arguments, bitterness and deceit will hasten divorce.
So, when all is said and done by the Spouses, the last word on all of the above will be had by the Divorce Attorneys, because if you haven’t yet communicated and worked together to resolve your conflicts then it becomes the Divorce Attorneys's turn to show you how it’s done and have you released from your vows